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Metallica • For The Love Of MORE Money

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Metallica is at it again. No, it’s not a new album. No, Death Magnetic only came out in 2008, and if we follow the Metallica standard, we’ll have to wait another 3-5 years for a new album. Metallica is set to release a movie interspersed with concert footage. The movie? Through The Never. The plot to the movie is this: A Metallica roadie (played by Dane DeHaan) is tasked by the band to go get something for them and the wild ride through Hell he has to go through to get whatever they asked him to get back to the band; meanwhile the Metallica concert is taking place. The film, directed by Nimrod Antel (Predators), was shot in IMAX 3-D and has a release date for August 9 of this year. The concert footage was filmed last August from three Vancouver dates. There. Now you know everything. Saying that, it’s time to rant.

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First, IMAX 3-D? I get it, the short statured band want to appear larger than life (especially Metallica drummer, Lars Ulrich. He stands at a paltry 5″6.) but, what the fuck? IMAX 3-D? So now I’m expected to pay 26.50 to see a band whose last great album was Master Of Puppets (1986)? Metallica have always been about the Benjamins and I guess they’re in need of more of it. I wish I could’ve been a fly on the wall when they concocted the idea for this story narrative/concert film. I imagine the conversation went something like this…

LARS: James?

JAMES: Yeah Lars.

LARS: We failed to stop the spread of those motherfucks who download our music for free. Napster might be gone, but new websites dedicated to downloading have been cropping up like wildfire. How about we film ourselves performing and throw a story behind it? It’ll be cool and different and a great way to make more money.

JAMES: Money good.

LARS: No James, money VERY good…ooh, and maybe this concert/narrative can be shot in IMAX 3-D that way we can charge dumb asses more than the price of a regular ticket.

JAMES: Money very good.

LARS: Yes James, money very good.

stop being the Metallica Monster Machine that you’ve become, boys!

The concert itself is Metallica playing the whole of the Master Of Puppets album which is pretty cool when you consider what a stellar album that was (I’m a Ride The Lightning man myself), but still, stop being the Metallica Monster Machine that you’ve become, boys! You were once a great band that put out some pretty amazing records. I get it. Lars, you’re probably paying up the ass in child support, but still, why not do what you guys once did well? Creating some of the most metal music ever. Let’s try that, shall we? Death Magnetic was a step in the right direction, although I could’ve done without some of the songs on the album (specifically The Judas Kiss, Suicide & Redemption, and My Apocolypse). The last three songs on Death Magnetic sucked. Suicide & Redemption is a subpar instrumental when you pin it up against Call Of Ktulu or the immortal Orion.

Find your anger and release it, damn it!

I predict Through The Never is going to do rather well in theaters when it’s released August 9. Metallica will add another million in their respective bank accounts and the world will keep spinning and do you want to know why? Metallica fans will flock to the theaters in droves to get another taste of Metallica because their album releases are so few and far between that their fans will lap up whatever morsels Metallica deigns to give them. Stop fucking around Metallica! Stop thinking your some humanized Scrooge McDucks taking daily swims in your money vaults and just go back to being San Fran trash from yesteryear and start releasing great albums like your first three. Find your anger and release it, damn it! I’ll be waiting for the Blu-Ray release with this one, and I’m not even going to bother buying it. Netflix all the way, baby!!

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